I’m ready to work on doing something better with my life.

I’m hoping writing is part of that.

- Jack’s Mannequin, “I’m Ready”

Sadly I fear that I will end up with what looks like a “copy cat” type story. We shall see, right… when the time comes to sit down and write it.

There are some domains, however, that are so undeniably clever that a person can’t help but look at it and smile. I mean, I’ve done it. I’ve even though of clever ways to use .nu, or .me domains, and really, failed rather epically.

The old site that’s now somewhere in limbo I called Symposium. For a number of reasons this was important to me. Of course symposium.com is worth something close to $2,000 which I don’t have, nor would I spend on a virtual squatting zone. It left me searching, for various terms or words that might refer to the act of writing or creating. As I wasted hour upon hour looking and scouring the internet for ideas (via song lyrics, passages of plays/writings and just randomly clicking things) I looked up the word “tao.”

In Taoism, the basic, eternal principle of the universe that transcends reality and is the source of being, non-being, and change. – Dictionary.com

I wanted to get thetaoofme.com, which ironically is available, but the two o’s together looked funny, and it looks more like theta oof me rather than what it’s original intention was. But the definition of tao, or even Taoism, struck me. As an aspiring writer, I struggle with ideas that fleet across my mind and are lost. I ponder the possiblities of dreams become written reality. I feel dejected when I fail to write anything of substance. And I feel lost when I know I’ve not written anything at all.

The aspiring writer is often struggling with many things. This particular one is struggling with the ideas that seem to mirror those who’ve come before her, and ideas that seem obscure and unsellable in the market. I’m looking for my harmony… and hopefully, I’ll find my own tao.

The philosophical system evolved by Lao-tzu and Chuang-tzu, advocating a life of complete simplicity and naturalness and of noninterference with the course of natural events, in order to attain a happy existence in harmony with the Tao. – Dictionary.com

I need to fix a couple of layout issues/concerns, but right now, they’re not even annoying yet.

I’ve somehow managed to convince The Boy to join me in the insanity that is Nano, and we shall see how both of us fare. I think a lot of his desire is to be kind to his crazed girlfriend, who wants to do something for Halloween. Considering that it seems nothing is going on, I found some Nano events happening for, well, the eve of Nano.

I often wonder why he puts up with me. *shrug*

Now this site is going to be used for writerly stuff. I might post bits and pieces of what I’m working on for nano, but mostly I think I’m going to use this site for bitching and moaning.

In reality, it doesn’t matter much.

Things have been… normal. I’ve joined a gym. I’ve quit smoking. I’ve lost count of the days since I’ve quit smoking. I should actually sit down with a calendar and figure out how many days it’s been just so I can tell people… or post it. But really it doesn’t matter. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to smoke a cigarette, though I do think about it from time to time and wonder if it would really make things easier… or better.

The gym has been an interesting endeavor. It’s been fun, and strenuous. It’s been hard work, and a pain in my ass (literally). But I’m starting to notice that my body is changing, a little at a time. And it’s almost exciting to imagine what it might look like in the near future.

The boy and I have been doing well, this time. We achieved one goal… we got into an arguement without breaking up. That, indeed, was a feat to be recorded into time.

I’ve gotten contacts. I have my good days and my bad with regard to that. I’m trying to get back to school. I need to focus on where to go in life, or I’m always going to be stuck here. I need to figure out what I’m going to do with regard to living situations… and my parents, if for some reason I find myself being asked to move into the house my parents spent so much money getting me out of. They might notice the address… the might not. I don’t know. I should be honest with them, but I’m afraid of the disappointment. I should find something to do… work-wise. I’m sure there’s something.

I don’t know why I do this to myself… I should know better.

I need out of here, as soon as I possibly can… I really do. It’s the only way to make this all okay.

It’s been ridiculously stupid lately. I’ve…

1. Almost been hit by a car, thus causing me to almost punch a fat lady in scrubs in the face.
2. Broken up with my boyfriend because he still believes that a computer game will keep him warm at night.
3. My friends have all started to finally start to act a little more mature, but I’m often sitting there wondering what the fuck I’m doing hanging around with such young people… honestly.
4. I need to figure out the direction of my life. I’m starting to feel like an utter loser again. I work and work, but can’t go to school. I won’t ever finish school if I don’t make some pretty major sacrifices.

I’m tired of feeling like a complete loser. Right now the only thing I can seem to control is the fact that I get up every morning to get my ass to work, and I can go to the gym to not be such a fat ass anymore. That’s pretty much it. I mean, I can’t control the fact that I make little money and have no time after working an 8 hour day to be able to drive to a school… let alone that I live on my own and hate the idea of roommates in order to help be able to afford to finish my bachelor’s degree.

It’s becoming this impending doom looming over my head. I’m going to basically be one of those old cat ladies. Really. I’m going to amount to very little, unless I find some story that’s never been told (HA!), or I marry some rich guy who’ll let me do whatever I want and not have to work in the meantime… (Double HA!)

Eventually, it has to work out, right? Eventually it’ll all make some sort of sense… right…

it has to…